Are we still on the phones? I've had to pee for five days.
Well now. What is all thinking of that keynote speech by Dark Lord? "One Nation Under Me: Leading the Wizarding World to Evil Victory." Torturing Muggles: Hobby or Lifestyle?
Oh, wait a few times, almost most of you were taking phone calls and could not attend. Ha ha ha!
My panel for Dead Death Eaters went as well as could. We console each other about state of living, railed against said living, and partied through convention hall afterward, upsetting vendor tables and probably prompting many such phone calls about where to report incidents. At least, am hoping we're to cause some fuss with it.
Am thinking my favourite panels were a glorious series:
New Comfy Chair Techniques: A Study of Cushions, Couches, and Ottomans
Really Painful Things You Can Do To Muggles With Pillows
Yes, The Stuffing Up To One End: Why Comfy Chairs are So Yesterday
what just happened here? Pav and i were FINALLY sitting down to our first date, and now we're... answering phones for HWMNBN?
IT WAS A REALLY NICE RESTAURANT, OKAY, AND IT TOOK ME QUITE A BIT OF EFFORT TO GET THOSE RESERVATIONS! and it was our FIRST (real) DATE!
ugh, why do things like this keep happening? we're all set to begin a nice dating relationship, and WHAM! we are forced to be (fake) married, throwing a spanner in the works. then, we are ready to start our (fake) married life and live happily ever after, and BAM! Pav is kidnapped by her parents and sequestered on a mobile island. now, FINALLY, when we're back together and trying to have a go at a real relationship with a real date, and BOOM! whisked away to be evil phone operators!
WHAT HAPPENED TO MY SWORD?
AND WHY IS THIS PHONE SMASHING ME UPSIDE THE FACE?
bugger this, i'm finding Pav and getting out of here, they can't make us answer stupid questions about the Evil Overlord Conference... OH NOOOO! GET IT AWAY! the nudity, the wrinkles! oh ew, is that the Minister? UGH! i'll do it, i'll answer the phone! anything to get those pictures away from me! AUGH!
...good evening, thank you for calling the Evil Overlords Conference Hotline, how may i help you tonight?
yes, children are welcome, provided they are loyal to the cause.
well, evil child-minders will be available, but little ones may also attend the family-oriented talks, and several have been designed specifically for children.
certainly; some of the topics your evil offspring might enjoy include: Muggle Torture for the Whole Family, Wretched Things You Can do With Sippy Cups, and Overlording for Children. You can find others on the Conference Schedule at the check-in table, along with a special baddy-bag for all registered attendants under age 17. don't forget to pick up nasty nametags for the whole family.
yes; thank you, madam, you have a lovely evening.
OKAY, VOLDEMORT (YES, I SAID YOUR NAME), THIS IS A SIRIUSLY STUPID PLAN, AND I REFUSE TO ADHERE TO IT. YOU THINK THAT YOU CAN MAKE ME, HARRY FUCKING DANGER POTTER, ANSWER PHONES FOR YOU? YOU THINK I CAN'T HANDLE A LOUD RINGING NOISE IN MY EARS? COME ON, I'VE BEEN HANDLING THAT SINCE BIRTH. ACTUALLY I THINK IT MIGHT BE A MEDICAL CONDITION, NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT. BUT THAT ISN'T THE POINT. I REFUSE TO ANSWER PHONES FOR YOU.
OH DEAR SWEET MOTHER OF JESUS H. CHRIST, GET THAT PHOTO AWAY FROM ME! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! IT'S AWFUL! MY EYES ARE BLEEDING! STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT! OH MY GOD! MAKE IT GO AWAY! OH DEAR GOD, I CAN'T SEE! I'M BLIND! I'M BLIND! I'M FUCKING BLIND! NOBODY WANTS TO SEE YOU IN THAT POSITION, DUDE! I'M TELLING YOU FOR YOUR OWN SAKE!
IF YOU THINK WAVING A NAKED PHOTO OF YOU AROUND IN FRONT OF ME IS GOING TO MAKE ME WANT TO HELP YOU, YOU'RE COMPLETELY OH MY GOD OH MY GOD IS THAT A GOAT? OH MY GOD!
HELLO, NO, I WON'T ANSWER YOUR QUESTION, THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING A DEATH EATER YOU STUPID GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH FINE FINE FINE, THE MEETING FOR THE SOCIETY OF PUTTING MUGGLES ON TOP OF OTHER MUGGLES IS AT 8 O'CLOCK TUESDAY, ALTHOUGH FRANKLY I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU'D WANT TO PUT MUGGLES ON TOP OF OTHER MUGGLES.
OH, IS THIS THING STILL ON? I DIDN'T SWITCH IT TO VOICE MODE. GET OFF. GET OFF VOICE MODE. NO, WAIT A SECOND, I CAN'T ANSWER YOUR QUESTION UNTIL I GET OFF AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MAKE IT STOP OH THE HORROR, THE HO
Oh, what a busy week it has been, but finally everything is prepared for the 666th annual Evil Overlords Conference. I am, of course, the keynote speaker, but I do plan to attend and supervise the evil meeting of minds that shall occur proceeding my seminal speech.
There is but one last detail left.
Evil Plot #411
Materials: Lots of wire, 1 river bank (insulated), 66 really really big locks, bells, the Dikan, HSWW Peeseas, HSWW Fellytones, HSWW servings manual labour, bits of string.
Minions: Required elsewhere.
Evil Ranking: Seriously diabolical
Tie the HSWW to the Peeseas with string and transport to the bank. Add locks to ensure security. Chop Fellytones and stir in at minute six and two-thirds, being careful to add the required attention. Mix in manual labour. Let set, wrap with wire, and dip in the Dikan. Serve with bells on.
That. Was. AWESOME!
I can't believe Neville-- I mean, wow! Who would have thought?! Neville, they should make comic books about you!
HI, EVERYONE, WE'RE BACK!
... Tom, we can get you fresh new socks! We're home!
I've just had an owl from Kingsley Shacklebolt telling me that you're still lollygagging around in King's Cross!
You come back from Harry's afterlife THIS MINUTE! And make sure you bring your brother Fred! I don't believe for a minute that he's not planning on coming back so I don't want to hear any more of that nonsense! Do you hear me?